tangosiren

Funny how it feels so like a lunar cycle. We are not really lunar creatures, there is no scientific basis for this theory..

Yet somehow, somehow sometimes I just feel the ebb and flow of the moon reflects and radiates through my life.

Happiness, like the full moon, shines through everything. You can see through the darkness of the world to the lighter amorphous beauty that is around you (for the light of the full moon is better than the sun in its dreamlike glory, grays and blues, yellows and whites soften). Happiness to me is likened to this, this penetrating and profound beauty that colors everything you see. Your everyday is the same, but with a better hue, with lovelier aspects.

And the darkness is like the new moon. Without a scrap of light in the darkness we doubt everything, we fear the nothing that surrounds us, it hurts our eyes aching for the tiniest glint of light. Days you despair, and hold yourself in the darkness, certain this is how the world will be forever more.

A year ago I was in the darkness. I’d worked my job for two years, I found the sliver of light that is tango, I followed it down a dangerous path of sleep deprivation and utter dedication. I lost my mind. I worked without stopping on tango. I lost myself in the moments of tranquility wrapped in my partner’s arms. I sought with increasing need for the balance that tango made me feel, the peace and the beauty. Lost in a dance trapped in sorrow I succumbed to that as well.

The lyrics of my songs translated my absolute lost feeling. My favorite songs were despairing and without hope. I swam in the raw sorrow of it, reveled in the beauty created from such loneliness and pain. I walked away from the known.

Somewhere in myself I thought the only place i could get more of this drug that tango offered me was if I went to the source. That my sorrow, loneliness and fear would overwhelm me if I failed to go.

I did not know that was my waxing crescent. That I had already begun believing in myself, that the only person holding me back is me.

I am poorer than I have been in quite a long time. I don’t know how I will do it, but I know I will not only pay off the old debts that I have, but I will also find the strength and the money to begin a new endeavor.  I cannot tell you logically how this will happen, but I can tell you that it will.

I know this is not my full moon, I know the best is yet to come. I temper that with the knowledge that that was not the last new moon I shall ever see either. I only hope my friends are still my candle in the darkness.

Much love to you all.